Trying to figure out how grief works -- honestly
I wrote the blog about my mom’s birthday on the night before her birthday. At the time, I felt optimistic that this birthday would be easier than past ones. After all, this would be the 6th year my family has been through this. And I strongly believe that time heals.
But sometimes that’s all just bull. The day comes, and it’s as sad as it ever was. Dad and Jordan both get stubborn and argue with each other. I play referee and ask them to be flexible, to get along, to stop fighting. We can’t agree on anything: the time to meet, whether our dog Sadie should come or not, what restaurant to eat at afterward. We drive around aimlessly and end up at a diner none of us want to be at. But really, none of us want to be anywhere on this day. As my dad says, “It’s not a good day.”
I don’t want to tell you these things because I want to believe – and I want you to believe – that it gets easier with time. Part of that is true. But I also think we need to accept that some days just suck. And often times those days are birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. They’re just hard. Even 6 years later, I have trouble admitting that because I just wish I felt better about it.
Grief has a time delay sometimes, too. I got in a big fight with Mark on Tuesday and bawled my eyes out. How much of that was leftover stress from Mom’s birthday? It’s really hard to tell where one emotion ends and one emotion begins.
I’m sorry if this isn’t the sunshine picture I usually paint. But I believe in being honest with you. I hope you’ll be honest with me, too.
Big shout out to my girl Ashley who started a blog about surviving from a rare form of liver cancer. She’s so brave in so many ways! Go give her some comment love.