A visit from Mom in my dreams

I was missing my mom yesterday, perhaps a side effect of all the beautiful Facebook comments you left for me about my essay, “My Mom Died 12 Years Ago. Here’s How My Pregnancy Brought Her Back to Me.” 

So I did what I often do. Made a favorite meal my mom used to make for just the two of us: onions & eggs scramble with slices of cucumber on the side. Just as my dad and brother never liked it, neither does my husband, so it’s still something that’s just ours, hers and mine. I kind of like that.

Two Tums and a dose of heartburn later (oh, pregnancy), Mom appeared in my dreams. 

Both took place in my childhood home. In the first, my brother had occupied the bathroom he and I shared (a common occurrence), so I traipsed upstairs to use my parents’ bathroom. Mom was in there, peering into the mirror, happily doing her makeup. 

“CanIpee?” I asked sleepily, one word, and sat down on the toilet. 

When I looked closer at the mirror, I realized she had taped about a dozen Polaroid photos to it. Each one featured scenes from her childhood or mine, both of us as young girls. I longed to ask which photo was her favorite, but I knew she would say “all of them,” so I kept quiet. 

Perhaps this was her way of telling me about motherhood – that it is not one moment, but all of them strung together, all the days of your life that add up to such immense joy. 

In the next part of the dream, I was leaving her bedroom when I passed by her walk-in closet. I entered and it looked exactly as I remembered, the rows of clothes and shelves for shoes and baskets for miscellaneous items. I went to leaf through the section for long hanging dresses. Mom trailed behind me, looking too. “Mom, can you believe I never thought to raid your closet for maternity clothes?” I asked her incredulously. 

We decided none of the clothes were quite right, deeming each one as “too small” or “too matronly,” but it was fun to have a girly moment again of “shopping” in her closet – something I loved doing in high school and college. 

Mom believed that if you dreamt of someone who had passed away, they were visiting you. Thanks for the visit, Mom.